I returned to Clarkson and began my second semester. In February, the loneliness finally began to set in. After nearly three weeks straight of negative temperatures, it was a little depressing in Potsdam. I continued to go to cell group, and became closer friends with Ben and some of the people from CFC.
I was watching God at work in people all around me. It was really cool. And then, I never saw him working in me. At all. And during one weekend in February, I was ready to walk away from God. Ready to turn my back on God and be a normal person. I was so frustrated and mad at him at that point in time that I hated him. I went for a walk, it was cold and rainy, and all sorts of depressing weather. I was listening to music as I walked, tears pouring down my face. No one would ever understand. No one would actually be able to know what was going on.
All of the walls that I had so carefully constructed to prevent people from getting to know me were crumbling. Why? I didn’t want people to get close to me. I was an introvert and it wasn’t going well with not making friends.
Then the chorus of a song by Superchick ran through my head over and over.
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it’s all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won’t drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain
*sigh* Just when was I going to get away from him? I tried and even when I was trying to run, he was already there. It was frustrating to no end.
Eventually something possessed me to call one of my friends. I did, we talked, and God opened my eyes to something that I’ve remembered ever since.
He is always working. Always. He never stops working. Even when it doesn’t seem like he is, he is.
That has stuck with me ever since and brought me incredible comfort. I rest even now as I write this in the fact that he is still working.
When we learn to let him work, and we stop trying to change, that is when change happens the most. And I would come to find out soon just how much he had changed me deep down inside, the very reason I couldn’t see him because he was working so deeply.