Falling in the Shadows

So it’s been a couple weeks since I’ve posted. I’ve been busy working and writing my novel.

Lately I’ve been having a difficult time though. I realized that there are some friends I have that I’m jealous of.

I’m jealous of the life they have. It’s incredibly difficult to realize this because I shouldn’t be jealous…but I can’t help it. There’s one in particular.

His life seems to be put together so perfectly. He has a great relationship with a girl, he is fit, he’s got a best friend who honestly wouldn’t be able to live without him. Not to mention he wouldn’t be able to live without his best friend.

This makes me so jealous.

I want to have that best friend who wouldn’t be able to survive without me and the one I wouldn’t be able to survive without. I want to have a great relationship with a girl. I want to be more fit.

I sat in my vehicle this morning and teared up a little. I have desires in my life that I want to fulfill, and they’re not bad one’s at all.

The one I’m jealous of and his best friend, yeah, I consider them closer than family. You know the point that I would room with them in a house or apartment. I would spend every day with them if I could.

I say all this to tell you what happens when we enter the shadows.

When we enter into the shadows, to be honest we’re not usually doing it knowingly. We tend more to fall into the shadows.

Now the shadows are not a terrible place to be. In the shadows we can learn a lot about ourselves and also about God. In a way it’s difficult to see the light if you are constantly in it. But when you’re in the dark, you know what the light is, where it shines, what it means.

We need the shadows to know what the light is.

Light can exist without darkness, but since the fall we have lived in darkness and our memories of light are few and far between until we are a part of the light.

When we walk in the shadows, the confusing things we experience become overwhelming. The darkness closes in on us and we begin to lose our way.

Jealousy threatens to overcome us. It threatens to overcome me.

See here’s the thing. I deal with loneliness a lot. Very few people would ever know this about me. But it’s true.

There are probably only two people that I consistently talk with at any given time. But for some reason, those people, I want to spend every moment I have with them. I wouldn’t mind just chilling with them. Just hanging out, watching a movie, playing board games, eating food, playing video games, I just want to spend time with them!

And at times I get so frustrated because I just want to spend time with these people and talk with them! And at the same time they have their own lives, it’s not just me all the time. It frustrates me so.

I’m realizing that my great shadow is loneliness. I long for true companionship. My earthly family plays a part in my life, but I’ve yet to find others outside my family who will love me unconditionally despite my past.

I get lost in the shadow of loneliness once in a while, but when I do it just hits me. It’s tough. I eventually make it, but it’s really tough.

I’ve been listening to the song Shadows by David Crowder * Band for the past few days. It speaks of truth. It certainly tells us how to recover from our shadows.

I love the entire song. Every word. So I’m just going to post the lyrics and tell you to interpret them how you will.

With that being said though I will struggle with loneliness for a long time I’m sure. But you see, the two people that I consider closer than my own family, I love them like my younger siblings. Possibly even more. I’m jealous because I have to deal with loneliness, but I don’t want to.

I personally wish I could spend every day with these two people who are closer than family to me.

There is but one thing that gives me solace. God is in the process of healing me. With that, take some time, read the lyrics and then listen to the song from David Crowder.

Life is full of light and shadow
O the joy and O the sorrow
O the sorrow

And yet will He bring
Dark to light
And yet will He bring
Day from night

When shadows fall on us
We will not fear
We will remember

When darkness falls on us
We will not fear
We will remember

When all seems lost
When we’re thrown and we’re tossed
We remember the cost
We rest in Him
Shadow of the cross

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A Letter to My Future Wife

My dear future wife,

I have waited a very long time for you. Longer than I imagined I would. I watched my friends find someone, become a pair of people in love and then break up. I saw others who became husband and wife.

My love, I have waited.

There were times when I wanted to just find a nice girl, begin dating and hope for the best. There were other times when I wanted to completely ignore finding a woman to love because it seemed like it would never happen. There were times when I wasn’t even sure that God had someone for me….

And then I found one precious girl. She was beautiful to me. Soon enough God whispered to me that it was not meant to be her. I was crushed. This girl, she was perfect! But God simply whispered and said he had someone better for me.

This happened multiple times. It wasn’t hard for me to believe that I may not ever find you. Every time I ran into another girl my desire only grew. It only became more and more difficult to move beyond each girl. But every single time God said she wasn’t the one. He had someone better for me.

And you know what? Now I’ve found you.

I will never be able to let you go. I will never want to let you go. I know that I will be able to fall asleep holding you in my arms. When we have children we’ll most likely embarrass them by being sweet. They’ll be grossed out, but I will never be able to stop myself from loving you.

When I finally find you, nothing, save God himself, will stop me from carrying you away on our wedding night.

Coming from my already undying love for you,

Your future husband