[untitled ramblings]

Life has a funny way of happening. I sit here right now, and I can’t help but wonder why I seem to have slunk into such a depressive mood. I’m not really sure what it is.

I can say as much that something is bothering me. Something that I’ve most likely been thinking about subconsciously…or perhaps even consciously! Whatever it is though, it’s got me in a bit of a depressive funk. I think that maybe I’m looking at my goals and seeing nothing but barriers, I’m not sure.

I mean the one goal I currently have is to lose the last 15 pounds of weight, but then I want to also get a healthy looking body (i.e. the standard desire for a six pack 😛 ). But the more I look at it, if that’s what I really want I think I’m going to put in a lot more effort than I am.

And then I look at all my responsibilities for grad school, and wanting to get a job, and wanting to keep in touch with friends, and wanting to finish my novel, and wanting to keep writing here, and suddenly I realize that something is going to have to give.

But from my point of view I can’t possibly pick any one of those choices over the other! Maybe that’s what’s got me stressed right now, and feeling that depressive funk. I honestly am just not sure. The question really is what do I do? What do I choose?

I don’t know.

I think it’s just that simple.

And there are other factors such as people I want to talk to a lot don’t always want to talk to me. But I really think I’m just trying to figure out what I mean to others.

Sometimes I seem to mean a lot, other times I seem to be just a foot note. Perhaps I do it to myself with the way I seclude myself and revert back to my introverted ways.

I think what I really need sometimes is someone just to tell me that even though I’m not critical to their life, they need me in it. I just need someone to tell me that I’m more than just another face to them. I think I just need to know that other people care about me. Of course I do have to say here that I definitely don’t do this enough to those in my life.

Our American culture seems to lack that very critical component. We seem to be all independent and don’t care about how other people may need us. But the scary fact is, that independent thought process, that’s what brings about a lot of the dangerous instances with suicidality. People look around and see that everyone else seems to be doing just fine without being told how much people love them and need them in their life. That makes people feel like there’s something wrong because they want someone to tell them that they’re important to them.

I know because I have been in that area. I’ve been that person who has wanted to be told I’m important to someone. And I’ll tell you, when I get told that I am important to someone…it makes my entire day. I can go instantly from down-trodden and depressed to on cloud nine happy!

What you say and don’t say to others makes a huge difference! I have one friend who, from a SINGLE text message, can piss me off (sorry about the language, used for emphasis here), challenge my very being, and make me the happiest person in the world!

Every single time I get a text from that friend my day brightens no matter what’s happening! What you say or don’t say truly does matter!

I honestly don’t know how else to say it…but I know that I need to work on it for myself too. I definitely don’t say everything I should, and I definitely do say things I shouldn’t sometimes.

I guess that I need to be careful what I do, what decisions I make, and what I say. I think it’s really a great learning experience, life in general is. But there are times when I wish I could just spend time with my friends and not have to worry about all these adult things like money and school and bills and stuff. Maybe it’s time I seriously reevaluate my life and what’s really important to me. Perhaps it’s time that I lay aside all the things that are of no use to me, visible and invisible things alike.

I think this is a period of questioning in my life. There are so many things I want to accomplish and do that I just feel torn in a dozen different directions and I don’t know what to do. I mean there are things I want to accomplish, habits I want to form, habits I want to break, so many things are grabbing for my attention and I’m just confused about where to turn.

I guess it comes down to these final two things:

What am I doing?

And more importantly, who am I?

I guess right now, I don’t really know the answer to either question…


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