I don’t know if I can really explain how I feel sometimes.
There are times when I am super happy, others when I’m so-so, and still others when I’m sad.
My mood fluctuates more than it should, or at least more than I think it should.
So how do I overcome this?
I mean not even a couple weeks ago I had a realization. A revelation, if you will. Why is it that I always feel abandoned, why is it that I always feel as though people don’t like me?
It’s tough having lived a life like that. A life when the friends that I have, and think so much of and about just don’t care about me.
To some people in my life I feel as though I’m nothing more than a persistent fly buzzing around their head. Like the only thing I do is annoy them to no end.
They don’t talk to me.
They seem to be doing what they can to get away from me when they’re with me.
They seem to do what they can to ignore me.
And it hurts.
Of course the most shameful thing, the one that causes me the most pain is that I do the same thing to other people in my own life.
So why do I tend to care so much?
I know what it’s like.
I know what it’s like to be ignored, shunned, disappointed, and shut down.
And it seems as though at times I only seem to pick friends who do that to me. I never seem to pick friends who build me up, and if I do, I ignore them and do all that stuff that gets done to me. I do it all unintentionally though.
This whole friendship thing…it’s complicated.
How can you take two people and put them together and expect them to relate?
See, you have person A who views the world in an entirely idiosyncratic way, and then person B who views the world in their own entirely idiosyncratic way. How in the world can you expect them to have a relationship??
There has to be something else at work here…something that causes us to related to each other and leads us towards interactions.
There are some people that are nothing but damaging for me to be friends with or in a relationship with…and yet there’s something that draws us together.
I can’t explain it, I can’t understand it, but it’s real.
I guess this really is just a long rambling to say, my relationships are going to still be there no matter what happens. I wish I could say that I believe in an-eye-for-an-eye behavior…but I don’t. So even though there are relationships that are incredibly damaging for me, they do nothing but hurt and frustrate me, they’re still my friends, and I love them.
Anyways…just the musings of a twenty-something guy for the day for ya. 🙂